You may want to share your story and fear being misunderstood. Your loved one, meanwhile, may seek explanations, want to reassure you or mainly remember the worry they went through.
A conversation can welcome these different stories. Sometimes it starts with a very simple request, before any discussion of what really happened or what to think about it.
Say what you hope for
Before telling your story, ask yourself what you want from this conversation: to be heard, share an emotion, ask for practical help or reflect together. The listener cannot always guess.
One possible wording is: “I'd like to tell you something that matters to me. Today, what I need most is for you to listen.” Adapt it to your way of speaking. You can also ask whether the time is right and choose a short conversation.
Choosing a space of trust
IANDS guidance on sharing an NDE emphasizes listening and confidentiality. These are guideposts for choosing someone to talk to, without having to convince everyone around you. [1]
You can specify what you want to keep between you. Starting with the experience's current effects may be more accessible than a full account. An awkward reaction does not oblige you to disclose more details; you can stop and resume elsewhere.
You can preserve a bond without sharing every explanation.
Recognizing two stories around the same event
When the experience accompanied a critical medical situation, your loved one may have lived through waiting and fear while you were going through something else inwardly. Neither account erases the other.
You can make room for what they experienced without giving up telling your own story. This sometimes takes several conversations, with separate moments for listening and being heard. Closeness also grows through acknowledging this difference.
Protecting the relationship and your boundaries
Sharing the same explanation is not the only way to remain close. You can say: “We don't interpret it the same way, but I'd like you to understand how important it is to me.”
If you are listening to someone, prefer an open question to an immediate conclusion. Ask what they would like you to understand and respect their choice not to answer. Attentive listening leaves a person free in their words, doubts and silences.
EXPLORE FURTHER
Sources & further reading
- Talking about your experience with someone you trust (new tab)
IANDS · guidance on choosing someone to talk to and protecting confidentiality, in English.
- Support needs after an NDE (new tab)
Marieta Pehlivanova and colleagues · a survey of needs and perceived support among people who have had an NDE (PDF, in English).
An editorial reflection: personal accounts, their interpretations and research findings each retain their own place.
